


The Vagina Monologues with Tom Riddle

by IndigoBirds



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Comedy, Coming of Age, Dark Comedy, Inappropriate Humor, Sex Education, Sexual Humor, The Talk
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-05
Updated: 2018-06-05
Packaged: 2019-05-18 13:53:38
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply, Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,247
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14854041
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/IndigoBirds/pseuds/IndigoBirds
Summary: As an 11-year-old girl, and the youngest sister of 6 boys, Ginny Weasley finds herself without a confidant to answer the pressing questions of life. Fortuitously, her dear friend Tom is there to help. One-Shot, no follow up!





	The Vagina Monologues with Tom Riddle

**The Vagina Monologues with Tom Riddle**

 

**This inspiration came to me from a Tumblr post that I saw (and died laughing while reading) from Pinterest about how Ginny might have gone through the questioning phase of an 11 year old girl whilst in possession of Tom Riddles diary.**

**Characters slightly OOC, just to be safe?**

 

……………………………………………………………………………………….

 

“Why did Merlin give men penises, Gred?”

 

“Why Forge, so they'd have at least one way to shut a woman up!”

 

The peals of laughter through the Gryffindor common room were bawdy and loud.

 

 _Ugh, not this again!_ Thought eleven-year-old Ginny Weasley, flopping her forehead into her Charms book.

 

“Hey, Forge, when do you kick a goblin in the balls?”

 

“Why Gred, when he’s standing next to your bird saying her hair smells nice!”

 

Another round of snickers in the group of boys surrounding Ginny’s older twin brothers was rolling through the ranks. Open palms slapped thighs and barking chortles were abound around the red couch near where Ginny was trying to study and write an essay for Professor Flitwick.

 

“What is the difference between oral and anal sex?”

 

“Oral sex makes your day and anal sex makes your whole weak!”

 

Ginny wrinkles her nose.   _What did that even mean, exactly?_  She rolled her eyes to maintain appearances.   _It sounds gross, whatever it was._ She thought to herself

.

The roaring of laughter around her kept interrupting her thoughts, and it wasn’t going to let up anytime soon. As she carefully walked back to her dorm with her classwork clutched to her chest, she could make out the next of question as one twin asked “What is the difference between erotic and kinky?” followed by “Erotic is using a feather....kinky is using the whole chicken!”  That one sent Ron, in particular, careening off the couch and onto the floor, holding his sides in near-hysterics.  

 

Fred and George had always been at the center of any nuisances, but it seemed as though this had increased to a particular level now that school was in session. The Gryffindor common room was often filled with bawdry mentions of sex and perversion.

 

Ginny Weasley felt out of place.  Half of the time she couldn’t tell what the hades the twins were even talking about, and she sure as Circe’s backside wasn’t going to ask them for a vocab list. Then she’d _never_ hear the end of it!  She could hear their taunting even now, in the back of her mind.

 

Settling down on her bed, and pulling the drapes down from the four posters for privacy, Ginny picked up her leather-bound diary; the one she had found in her cauldron at the start of term, she started to write:

 

_Hi Tom._

 

**_Good evening, Ginny.  Anything interesting happen today?_ **

 

_Not especially. We’re friends, aren’t we Tom?_

 

**_The very best, my dear. What's troubling you?_ **

 

_Can I ask you a question?_

**_Of course._ **

 

_You won’t make fun of me?_

 

**_I would never betray your trust._ **

 

Ginny took a deep breath and gathered her courage.

 

_What’s a clitoris?_

 

….

 

….

 

….

 

_Tom?_

 

_..._

 

_…_

 

**_Where did you hear that word?_ **

 

_One of Fred and George’s jokes.  Is it that dangly thing in the back of the mouth?_

 

**_No, that's the uvula._ **

 

_..._

 

_…_

 

_…_

 

_Tom?_

 

**_Yes Ginny?_ **

 

_You still there?  Did I say something wrong?_

 

**_No! No, of course not.  I, uhm, was just considering how this would be, er, most appropriately answered._ **

 

**_As it were, Ginny dear, would not this question be best suited for someone of, uh, specific influence in your life?  Like your mother, for example?_ **

 

_NO! Not mum! She'd go ballistic that I heard it from Fred and George, then after they were un-grounded sometime in 7th year they'd crucify me for snitching.  I can’t ask her about things!_

**_Why on earth not?  She loves you, doesn’t she?_ **

 

_Of course she does._

 

**_Then what is the problem?_ **

 

_Well, my mum, I’ve told you about her…..  She’s got a way of talking down on you that leaves you feeling like a right idiot for even asking._

 

**_That’s not terribly helpful, now is it?_ **

 

_It really isn’t._

 

**_You really don’t have anyone else around you could ask?_ **

 

_I guess I could ask Madam Pomfrey. She’d probably know._

 

**_Merlin’s beard, Ginny.  That woman’s functional knowledge of the wizarding anatomy was taught to her during the Black Death. No, absolutely not._ **

 

Ginny smiled, and kept writing.

 

_So go on then._

 

**_Great Morgana, I’m going to rue this, aren’t I?_ **

 

_Oh, you old pillock, quit your grousing._

 

**_Fine. The clitoris is a small, sensitive organ that is located at the apex of your vulva, but atop the urethra and vaginal opening._ **

 

_Oh._

 

**_What do you mean, “Oh”?_ **

 

_That doesn’t sound like such a big deal._

 

**_Is this a joke? Are you having a laugh at my expense right now?_ **

 

_Absolutely not, Tom. What do you mean by that?_

 

**_Well, it’s just that the clitoris is a fairly important part of the female anatomy. It’s responsible for assisting in stimulating a woman into orgasm during foreplay and coitus._ **

 

_OH._

 

**_YES, “OH”._ **

 

_I guess that does make it rather important, doesn’t it._

 

**_I thought that would be rather obvious, yes._ **

 

_So do boys know about this?_

 

**_One would rather hope they would._ **

 

_You mean they don’t then?_

 

**_While I cannot speak for every member of my gender, I would assume that given proper instruction, a young man would be able to grasp its significance. As it were._ **

 

_Wait, what?_

 

**_Oh, for the sake of all the gods Ginevra. I haven’t the first sodding clue if boys know about this. It’s not as though sexual education is something they taught in my school._ **

 

_So then how did you figure it out?_

 

**_Well I was shown, of course._ **

 

_By a woman?_

 

**_YES, by a woman, you twit!_ **

 

_No need to get nasty, Tom. It could have been a helpful tip from a friend, you know._

 

**_Men do not go around offering “helpful tips” to other men in regards to pleasing their partners. Wizards simply aren’t like that._ **

 

_Are you taking the Mickey, Tom?_

 

**_I do not “take the Mickey” as you do provincial phrase it._ **

 

_But girls talk about that stuff all the time._

 

**_With exception to this case right now, it seems._ **

 

_Tom?_

 

**_Yes Ginny?_ **

 

_How do I, you know?_

 

**_Afraid you're going to have to elaborate, dear._ **

 

_Well how do I get an orgasm?_

 

**_I was afraid you were going to ask that._ **

 

_Sorry,Tom._

 

**_No, no. We've already gotten ourselves on this bridge. We might as well go the whole damn way now._ **

 

**_You'll do well to find a quiet place somewhere you can concentrate. Get comfortable, yes?_ **

 

_Don't mean to be snippy, but you **do** realize this is Hogwarts, yeah? Premier wizarding school in Scotland? It's not exactly loaded up with private places, you see. _

 

**_Well then it's lucky that we're such good friends, you and I, because it just so happens that I know the perfect place._ **

 

_You do?_

 

**_Yes.  Remember that bathroom I told you about? The one that floods all the time up on the 1st floor above the Great Hall with that whiney ghost._ **

 

_You mean Moaning Myrtle?_

 

**_That's exactly the one.  You're such a bright girl, Ginny._ **

 

**_You know, I don't believe you realize how glad I am that you found this old book._ **

 

_Thanks Tom. You really are the best._

 

**_As are you Ginny. As are you._ **

****

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**_~fin~_ **

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Thanks for reading!  Feel free to review and let me know what you think!

  


 


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